Grief and bereavement after VAD
Wim speaks frankly about grief and bereavement after the VAD death of his wife, Fiona, four years ago.
Rose Kennedy, the political family matriarch, disagreed that grief dissipated over time.
"It has been said, 'time heals all wounds.' I do not agree,'' she said.
"The wounds remain. In time, the mind, protecting its sanity, covers them with scar tissue and the pain lessens. But it is never gone."
Wim says this quote sums up his experience of grieving the death of his wife, Fiona.
Fiona chose VAD in May 2021, after being diagnosed with metastatic stomach cancer.
“It was the hardest thing I ever went through,’’ Wim, 74, says.
There are no regrets about choosing VAD, but the grief is ongoing. Wim misses Fiona every day and rattles around the four-bedroom house in Bendigo, Victoria, which was meant to be their dream home.
“She was beautiful. Intelligent, kind and stunning looking,’’ Wim says.
“She was 14 years younger than me, and that made it even harder. She was only 56 when she died. This house is her dream and she never saw it finish.”
The pair met in 2010 when Wim, a Dutch-born builder, looked at a set of gates that Fiona needed stripping back.
Fiona recounted the story on Andrew Denton’s Better off Dead podcast in 2021, saying “immediately there was a spark between us”.
In 2017 Fiona was diagnosed with cancer of the upper intestinal tract. After successful surgery she returned to her career in real estate but the tumours returned in the ovaries, abdomen, rectum and lungs.
She needed a colostomy bag which, Wim said, she hated.
Fiona chose VAD because she wanted to die with dignity, and avoid suffering constant pain. She had also witnessed her first husband and father die agonising deaths from cancer and knew what the end could look like for her. She faced her future with courage, and without self-pity.
“I'd like to go out in a pretty dress with a pretty pink lipstick, and having just had a latte with a girlfriend. And I’m still looking forward to that glass of champagne after I take the draught. French champagne,” she said on the podcast episode, released just before her death.
Wim also recalls telling Fiona at the time: ‘Okay, only French Champagne in this house from now on’.
Fiona and Wim married in 2020. Eight months later, Fiona had VAD at Heathcote hospital on 11 May 2021, with a last glass of champagne.
Wim admits to being swamped by grief in the aftermath of Fiona's death.
He feels that there was not a lot of emotional support for him as a partner supporting Fiona through VAD.
“There was a lot of support for Fiona but not for me,’’ he says.
Four years later, Wim’s pain has become permanent scar tissue, and life goes on. He has a new love interest and keeps reasonably fit using his electric bicycle to get around Bendigo.
At least now, he can think of Fiona and smile.
“I don’t think I knew what love was until I met Fiona,’’ he says.
“I’d love to have her back, but not the way she was. She was that sick.”
Wim will sometimes cut fresh roses from his garden and put them on Fiona’s grave, close to home.
“I sure do miss her but now I can think of her and I smile. So that’s a lot better than it used to be.
"Some people can get over grief quicker, and for others it’s like long Covid.
"I don’t want to forget her anyway.”
Griefline holds online VAD support groups for family members supporting a loved one going through the process of VAD, and grieving a loved one post-VAD. Read here for more information and how to register.