The grief of families and friends after a voluntary assisted death
When a life ends through voluntary assisted dying (VAD), family members and friends may experience grief complicated by the circumstances of their loved one’s death. Even when we know the end of life is approaching, it is still hard to prepare for the death of someone we love.
Family and friends may talk about how grateful and relieved they feel knowing their loved one was able to end their suffering on their own terms; but like any death, when a life ends through VAD, there may be complex emotions. Talking to others who have shared the experience can help.
Anticipating the death of a loved one
We waited, counting down the days and hours until the chosen time”.
Having a loved one with a life-limiting illness can be stressful. Family members, carers and friends might find themselves questioning or forgetting things, or experiencing physical symptoms before the loss happens. This is common in what’s known as anticipatory grief. When someone is accessing voluntary assisted dying, knowing the date and time of their death may compound natural feelings of sadness, distress and anxiety.
We had a family get together a few days before, trying our best to keep things happy and light-hearted even though we all knew what was coming. It’s very unusual to actually know the date and time of death”.
Disenfranchised grief
Sometimes grief can make people feel powerless, especially when it’s hidden and not publicly acknowledged by others. Some people may not know how to respond to grief relating to something that is not often discussed, and for some people voluntary assisted dying may carry a stigma that can complicate the grieving process. Family members and friends might be at an increased risk of experiencing what’s known as disenfranchised grief, where their grief may not be acknowledged or socially supported. This can negatively impact their mental health, such as increased loneliness, shame or anxiety.
I listened to what was important to Mum, and that helps because I can return to that when questions arise”.
Confusing emotions
Family members can experience a range of emotions before or after a person has died from VAD. For example, they may feel comfort, relief, guilt, anger, or deep sorrow. People describe sleeping poorly, thinking constantly about what happened, and feeling powerless or in denial after being involved in a process that may feel distinct from other deaths. Grief can be ambiguous, and holding intense emotions such as despair and relief can be difficult for our minds and hearts to understand.
Despite the complexities, most grieving people want to be heard, seen and understood, and we don’t need special techniques or strategies to make a difference. Spending time with people who can listen, empathise and be present is often the best way we can help.
It can be useful to reach out to others who’ve shared the experience - if you feel comfortable and if the other person is open to talking about how it was for them.
Some other things that might help include:
- Taking care of yourself and doing things that ‘fill your cup’ - for example, reading, exercising, being quiet and taking time for yourself, sleeping, and eating nutritious food.
- Talking to friends and family and sharing experiences with others who understand.
- Asking for help when you need it.
- Practising self-compassion, such as talking to yourself kindly, being mindful and understanding that adversity is part of being human. You can learn more about this at self-compassion.org
- Practising your spirituality, culture, or religion. This might be meditation, prayer, yoga, or attending a place of worship.
- Using helpful resources or attending a support group in your area. You can find more information about VAD and support below.
- Connecting with Griefline and other support services if you need bereavement support. You can speak to one of Griefline’s specially trained telephone support volunteers on 1300 845 745 or engage with a compassionate community through Griefline’s online forums.
*This information was compiled in partnership with Griefline, Australia’s national grief and loss support hub. Griefline provides free, accessible support and resources to people across the country, with specialised pre- and post-support services for people involved in the VAD process. https://griefline.org.au/get-help/vad-support-groups/
Other useful links
Griefline’s VAD support groups in partnership with Dying With Dignity Victoria
New South Wales Health: Voluntary assisted dying information and support for family, friends and carers
Queensland Health: Support for family, friends, and carers during voluntary assisted dying
South Australia Health: Support services for voluntary assisted dying
Western Australia Health: End of life care - supporting someone through the VAD process